Sunday, 15 January 2017

Le Sigh

Hey everyone it's me! I hope you all had a fun and safe New Years!

So, the big question on everyone's mind in 2017(clearly) is where have you been? And that answer is easy and complex, so I'll give you a hybrid answer.

If you had told me years ago that my regular lexicon would eventually include words like depression, anxiety, self loathing, self harm, isolation, sleep deprivation, and loss of appetite to name a few I would have rolled my head back so far into my head.

Cut to 2016.

This has been a dumpster fire of a year for me. I have suspected depression for a years now, but when I brought it up to my doctor:

Me: I've been feeling down for a whi-
Doctor: You're just sad.

That was the end of our conversation. 3 years+ of sadness later, I have graduated to extra sad.

Earlier this year my relationship of 7 years started to take a turn for the worse, and that intensified all these feelings that I had been bottling up for years(because remember I was just sad, at least that's what I always told myself and tried to push those feeling away). In September, everything started to snowball. Finally one night in October after one of the worst weeks of my life I finally broke down and told someone exactly what was going on. And to this day that person has stuck by side despite me being such a loose canon.

While I've learnt that having someone I feel 110% comfortable venting to and crying on is great, but it's not a solution. And I realise now that I need actual help.

As a comedian(Yup, that's what I actually am), I actually joke about all this quite a but, the reality is, I am so tired.

I need to get help. Getting worse is a terrifying concept that I don't want to become a reality.

So for the moment I am going to be focusing on getting better, because I miss being me. I may post here and there(I still have some reviews that people sent me...sorry they aren't up), but I can honestly say as much as I love to blog, it is not my top priority right now. So please forgive my extended absence in 2016, and my potential 2017 absence.

The late Carrie Fisher said something that really resonated with me “Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”

There are things I have to do right now, and I'm hoping the confidence will follow.

<3

Ps. You should also know that I *may* take this post down at some point. It's been sitting here for weeks and a keep editing it, but I never have the guts to post it. Not only that but I really don't want people from real life seeing this. Not now at least.

16 comments:

  1. I think that admitting that some kind of problem exists is the first step in the process of resolving that problem. The good thing is that you have that special person that stands by you and helps you, listening to you or just being by your side, but it's you who has to do all the work, slowly slowly... I wish that you could feel better soon! Big hug from Italy! :-)

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  2. It takes a strong person to share these personal feelings. If you ever feel weak, you are STRONG! I have to say I am no stranger to any of these feelings you are having. I am always around if you need someone to talk to in a judgement free zone <3

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    Replies
    1. Awwww thank you so much! And it's always "nice" to know I'm not the only one who has feelings like this <3

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am glad that you are getting help and that you have someone by your side to help you.
    Perhaps it's time to find yourself another doctor; one that actually takes you seriously, so you can get the help that is required to make you feel better.
    You're welcome in my inbox, should you ever feel like it. ♥

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    1. Thank you! <3 And I plan on doing that asap :). Since said incident I think I've seen him once since then, and apart from that walk-ins.

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  4. Just wanted to let you know I admire you for acknowledging something is not right and getting help for it. I know I'll be here lurking (as usual) when you happen to pop in. Take care!
    Disclaimer: in case of loudy choice of words I blame the language barrier.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you <3 And don't worry, your choice of words was perfect :)

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  5. Girl, go take care of yourself. And get a different doctor! I had depression from about 12, but the "doctor" called me a drama queen (I'm the least dramatic person in the world), a liar, attention seeker, etc. When I finally got REAL HELP in my 20s, it got so much better. And now when I have an anxiety attack, or start feeling a slump coming on, I know how to cope, and that I CAN get help again if I ever need it. You're not alone <3

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    1. Thank you so much <3 And I'm going to get one asap. I'm glad I finally found a place that can help me get back on track. Because those slumps you mentioned... they are destroying me.

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  6. I'm so proud of you for sharing this. you know I am always around when you need a vent. <3 you!

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    1. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

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  7. You did the right thing posting this-maybe it'll inspire someone else to get help knowing that you are doing it for you now. We will all be here when and if you come back. If you need anything you can always write me-but I will be thinking about you and hoping you're getting You back-

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  8. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I recently found out my brother has been struggling with something similar, on his own, for years. No wonder y'all are exhausted; fighting that mental battle on your own is hella difficult, yo. I hope you are on the path to feeling better, whether that's getting professional help or therapy or medication or whatever gets you back to you!

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  9. I know it's late 2017 and I am late to the party as always, but I do wish you the best and send you warm thoughts and happy joy and hope you are doing much better now than you were at the beginning of 2017. I miss your posts and hope some day to see you posting your nail art again. You are in my thoughts and prayers. From one polish lover to another, Happy Polishing! TTFN...

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